I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
