I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you had me at cake vodka
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
