Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
