they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
