i barfeds in our rink
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
