M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
