just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
