Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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