I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
