I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
