How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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