Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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