His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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