I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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