In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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