if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you didnt know i had herpes?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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