I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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