Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
