the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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