WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
