Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
