I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
