My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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