Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
