I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
