you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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