we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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