Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
