Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
