his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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