Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
