Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
