and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
