I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
