I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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