girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize