i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
