its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
