Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
