so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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