so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
