I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
