It's like a parade of train wrecks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
