checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
