I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
