Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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