You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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