God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
