You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
where are my eyebrows?
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