Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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