I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
