Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
