A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
