I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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